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“Dad really should have the medical procedure that his doctor recommends, but he keeps saying ‘no!’”
“Uncle Sam can no longer take care of his house. I keep telling him that he needs to move to an assisted living community, but he won’t even go look at one!”
“My mother is driving me crazy! She keeps telling the same stories over and over. If I hear the one about Aunt Mabel one more time, I swear I will scream.”
“I put together a top-notch financial plan for Mrs. Smith, but she refuses to consider it!”
Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? Have you tried to help a senior adult only to be rebuffed? If you answered, “yes,” I recommend David Solie’s book, How to Say It to Seniors, Closing the Communication Gap with Our Elders.
Solie helps us to comprehend older adults and what motivates them to reject our well-intended advice. As middle-aged adults, we don’t understand the world of our elders. Seniors are grappling with two significant tasks that, since we have not yet experienced them ourselves, we do not understand. These tasks are 1) maintaining control over their lives in the face of almost daily losses of strength, health, peers, and authority; and 2) discovering their legacy, or how they will be remembered after they die. When a senor is wrestling for control over his life including living arrangements, health, money, and saying good-bye, he is not free to work on discovering his legacy, an important psychological journey for all people as they approach death. In the midst of working on these end-of-life tasks, seniors have no patience for our own middle-aged hurry-up-and-get-it-done agendas.
Solie writes “We (middle-aged adults) are in the phase of life where control is assumed: we have it and use it constantly. But for our elders, control is a hot-button issue and, sadly, many would rather see their health deteriorate than give up that control.”
Solie divides his book into three sections. Part One explains what he calls the “unappreciated agendas” of older adults. He illuminates why senior adults’ agendas are important. Rather than pushing what we think needs to be done, our job is to help seniors maintain control so that they are free to work on their legacy.
Part Two delves in to the everyday world of older adults: their communication style and behavior and the dilemmas they face. Solie urges us to become “legacy coaches,” helping seniors sort out who they are and how they want to be remembered. A gem in this section is uncovering why seniors tell the same story over and over. He helps us to understand what seniors are trying to communicate, and that repeating stories does not mean that a person is “losing it.”
Section Three focuses on communication techniques. Solie gives practical advice on how to respond to the things seniors say and do, how to return control to the senior-where it belongs, and how to help them discover their legacy.
Solie includes an appendix for professionals. Here he offers practical advice on how best to communicate with and work with senior adults in the limited time that we may have available.
How to Say It to Seniors helped me to see where I am successful communicating with my older clients, and ways that I can improve. I recommend this book to any person trying to help his or her elderly parents, and to all people, in any profession, who work with seniors.
 


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